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It’s New Year’s Day.
It’s actually, New Year’s Decade, I guess, if you want to be technical.
I’m sitting on my couch, on my heating pad, with some scrambled eggs, avocado, turkey bacon, and an Americano. It’s sunny out (although a chilly 23 degrees). The dog is still snoozing (ok, he’s fast asleep and snoring). I’ve recently discovered the "Coffeeshop Favorites" Spotify playlist. I went to bed at 1030p last night, without any pomp or circumstance, besides the most heartwarming, "Thanks for making 2019 worth it," NYE wishes.
Regardless of what 2020 brings, I’m here for it. There’s terrifying possibility, which feels overwhelming at the moment, but I’m trying to hang on to the possibility of infinite possibilities (that should feel different, right?).
And every year, I choose 1-2 words, to focus on. No resolutions – those feel so trite and like you’re setting yourself up for failure – just two words that feel like they carry a certain amount of weight, for the time being.
These words get scrawled on a small post it, stuck to the left corner of my desk, and I’m reminded of them everyday.
Those 2 felt easy, and 2020’s took me a bit longer to come up with. But they both hit me while walking the dog yesterday:
I want to be more-present in what I do. When I find myself worrying about something out of my control, or something that takes me away from what I’m currently doing, I want to pay attention to that. There’s gotta be some feels behind that, and I want to address them. I want to continue learning how to meditate (thanks, Headspace!), and taking some time to write and do that, every morning. I want to go out to dinner, and get an appetizer, and enjoy it – without worrying about the it costs. I want to sip delicious cocktails and savor them – not worrying about how many someone else has had.
I just realized I used the word "worrying" twice in the last two sentences, so maybe this also means – just being. Letting the universe unfold things in front of me, and not losing sleep over the things that I can’t control.
Also with this, means paying more attention to the little things. I think these are skills that I already have, but that life has dulled a bit. They’ve gotten worn down, and I need to make a conscious effort to breathe some life back into them.
Gentle. This one is going to be hard, and I almost didn’t include it, because of that. But, I want to be more-gentle with myself, and with others. Tone down the judgement, think about the flip side, increase the empathy. With myself? Cut myself a break. If I sit on the couch for 6 hours watching House Hunters, it’s ok. If I don’t feel super productive at work for a bit, it’s ok. If I accidentally have a second or third drink that I shouldn’t have, it’s ok. If I spend a bit more money one month than another, it’s ok.
So maybe this also has undertones of "just being".
I spent a lot of 2019 trying to figure out myself, and I’m still very much doing that. But I want to spend 2020 figuring out a little bit more about the world around me.
Not in any crazy way, just by learning a bit more about what it’s like to be human, and maybe I’ll figure a bit more about where/with who I fit in with.